| Better Days |
[09 Sep 2006|07:03pm] |
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mood |
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Things have been busier lately, but life bas generally been better.
I'm excited to be back in school. Four of my classes are currently cancelled due to the strike... but at least my health class isn't, and it's pretty much tied for the easiest one, so I'm not complaining. But I have a bunch of stuff done for my other classes ahead of time... I feel really good about being organized and ahead of the game for once. I just want to get the semester going.
And it looks like I'm getting a job at Sears, which I am very excited about. After a long and unsuccessful job hunt, I finally got through 2 interviews at Sears, and I have my final one with the Store Manager on Tuesday... and it's basically already determined that I got the job. I'll be selling vacuum cleaners and stuff on commission. I guess they make like $9-10 on average, so that's pretty awesome. I'm so excited to have money again.
All in all I've just been in a better mood lately. I feel like I'm actually going somewhere again. It's still hard to manage my time without getting stressed, but I'm getting better. I hope things just keep going up from here.
Oh, and I got bored and found this amusing...
I donno, I always get told that I look like her so I guess I can tell people they're 74% right. haha
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[19 Jun 2006|09:15pm] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
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I think I might actually start writing in here a little bit.
I think I need to write... to stay sane. To stay alive.
I won't deny, all the random bottles of pain pills have been taunting me lately. It scares me. I don't want to let the sick part of my mind win. I'm stronger than that.
I think a talk I had with my brother tonight kind of half-snapped me out of a funk I've been in lately. I still feel really lost though... really weak. Vulnerable.
This greatness of life that everyone talks about... I want that. I want to live it, breathe it, feel it, taste it, touch it, be totally immersed in it. But for some reason the belief that I am not deserving of happiness, that I'm incapable of living life and being loved is just blinding me. I want to shake it. God, how I want to shake it.
I just can't believe that things have came to the point that they have. I let go of the real world the day I left high school and have took hibernation in a my own little box, trapped with my blurry memories and jumbled thoughts... but I've been in this box for so long now that the door is rusted shut, leaving me no escape.
And I think I'm always waiting for some kind of savior. But in reality, I know that's not going to happen. First of all, I would never let someone close enough to even attempt to save me in whatever way they could... second, I'm in this alone. From this point on, things are just a matter of how I choose to deal with them. But for some reason I can't handle that.
My mind is just all over the place right now. I should be embracing life. If I wouldn't have went to Wisconsin when I did, I would have most likely been dead within a few weeks. I should have already technically been dead when I left. Why is my body so determined to hang on? And why am I frusterated with that fact?
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[07 Jun 2006|09:45am] |
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mood |
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drained |
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Life is so surreal...
Dreamlike...
Wandering around in a thick, blinding fog.
I keep wondering what I'm working towards.
To live the rest of my life feeling like I'm hanging on the end of a string?
One inch above a taunting firey pit...
Constantly in fear of it consuming me.
Always seeming to be one step ahead of the game
But doom is always lurking in my shadow.
A life full of hypocrisy and paradox.
Selfish yet selfless.
Intelligent yet stupid.
Adult yet still a child.
A healthy body with a sick mind.
Why do I feel like each day is torture
When life is something meant to be celebrated?
Hanging on for dear (?) life to those I still hold near
The ones that give me a glimpse of hope.
But still looking for myself in others... in mirrors...
Assurance that I am, in fact, an acceptable human being.
And end up disappointed that I can't be superman.
I'm not perfect.
Concern feels fake.
Gotta be nice to the crazy girl...
Feed her up with niceness so she doesn't starve.
I was supposed to be great.
Prove to the world that I'm not destined to be another
Intelligent failure.
Play all the cards right for smooth sailing.
I'm too fragile for the bumps in the road...
Each one breaking my spirit a little more.
Looking around desperately for the neon red EXIT sign
Curling up next to the door.
Curling up between my past and my future.
Crying for a pretty pink bandaid to cover my
Naked bleeding flesh.
Then swallow another pill
And numb myself to sleep.
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[18 May 2006|06:30pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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No more holding back. I'm going to use this journal for it's intended use.
Things pretty much suck right now. Ok, so I got my eating under control... somewhat. I mean I'm eating and getting all the shit that I need, but I'm becoming a little overly obsessive about everything being "healthy" and whole grain, natural, fat burning foods, "negative calorie foods", measuring everything cup for cup and tablespoon for tablespoon. UGH I HATE IT. I'm so consumed with my anxiety over eating that I haven't done ANYTHING since I've been home. Haven't taken care of school stuff, haven't found a job, haven't hung out with half the people I said I was going to or even called the people I said I was going to call... I'm going back into isolation mode big time. And I'm so fucking medicated, I have no excuse. I'm doing everything I need to be doing... eating my stupid food groups, going to the gym in moderation, taking my pills, seeing my treatment team... but I feel like I'm at a standstill. I'm sick of living in a time warp. I don't want to say anything though because I don't feel like having a bunch of people watching my every move either watching for signs of relapse. I might be a little obsessive over food right now but I'm not restricting anything and I'm not purging and I don't plan on it. I just feel burnt out. It frusterates me that I have to put this much effort into living.
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[27 Jan 2006|07:30pm] |
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mood |
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 optimistic... but nervous. |
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For anyone who cares...
I'll be going away for a good while within the next few weeks.
I don't think I'll return as the same person.
Contact me if you want more info.
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[30 Dec 2005|02:41am] |
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mood |
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optimistic |
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music |
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Relient K - Be My Escape |
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I am so bad about updating this thing, unless I'm like depressed or uber excited about something.
Christmas break is definately what I needed. More than you would ever know. I've been more social than I've been almost the whole past semester, and it feels great.
I don't know. I don't feel like going into detail right now because it's late and I need to pass out, but I'll tell you that things are looking up.
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[22 Dec 2005|11:47pm] |
Fuck everything.
I don't know what to do anymore.
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[22 Dec 2005|04:43pm] |
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mood |
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numb |
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music |
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James Blunt - You're Beautiful |
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I've wanted to update this for a while, but I haven't really known what to say.
...
I still don't know what to say.
I made it through my first semester of college alive. Pleasant suprise. Hopefully I can keep up that trend.
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| Pink. |
[21 Nov 2005|10:38am] |
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mood |
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drained |
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I'm sitting here in my pink pants, pink shirt, pink coat, pink undergarments, with my pink purse, my pink keychain, eating pink m&ms on my pink bed with the pink sparkly lights on. Maybe if I just totally immerse myself in pink it will make all my problems go away.
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[20 Nov 2005|01:07am] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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I'm struggling. With everything.
Things aren't the way they should be. They never will be.
I'm just hanging on by that thread, as usual.
It's getting pretty worn out.
Why do I never heed warnings?
I think the purpose of my life is for me to test the limits of human stupidity and to see just how much one can make themself suffer.
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[02 Nov 2005|05:01pm] |
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mood |
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lazy |
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I am possibly the most indecisive person in the world haha I already changed my schedule and I just registered yesterday. But it's pretty good...
MATH 121 MTWF 11-11:50am
PEGN 210 TR 1-1:50pm
MUSC 100 MWF 1-1:50pm
PSY 101 TR 2-2:50pm
SOCL 105 M 5:30-8:10pm
Yay for sleeping in.
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[01 Nov 2005|10:47am] |
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mood |
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blah |
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Ugh, life.
I just skipped calc. Go me. Sleeping was more important.
I think I'm going to skip speech too, because I feel like it. Really though, I'm just getting over some type of illness, I have a right.
And boys can basically go to hell. Well, not all boys. But I'm really sick of this shit.
I had fun last night though after having my little pity party. I guess I really do have a friend.
I miss home. Not enough to go back, but I miss it.
Registration for winter starts today. I'm taking PSYC121 (Honors Psychology), MUSC107 (Music Appreciation), PEGNsomething or another (Lifetime Wellness and Fitness), PEGN another something or another (Aerobic Dance), MATH121 (Honors Calc 2), and ECONsomething or another (Intro to Economics or something). Yeah, it's a lot of classes, but it should be relatively easy.
Meh.
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[29 Oct 2005|10:51am] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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I am SO happy... I got to see my Sarah last night! I missed her so much. We went to the grind, got hot beverages... good times, good times.
I'm home for the weekend by the way... well, kind of. I have to go back to work for like 3 hours today. But I'll be here until about 3pm tomorrow.
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[19 Oct 2005|10:59pm] |
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mood |
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excited |
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2 updates in 1 day?!?
This deserved an update.
I just went Targeting for the first time since I've been here with my sweetie and got the comfiest gloves EVER. And a cute black and pink tweed coat. And a cute gray sweater.
God, I need help saving money. I have become a compulsive clothing buyer.
And my cousin Grant called me unexpectedly tonight and that totally made my night. I love and miss him dearly. He should be coming up here soon though, I'm excited.
And I know you're on the phone right now, but cheer up Cara dear. I love you. :) Stupid boys.
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[15 Sep 2005|02:51pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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Alright, so here's a semi-actual update.
I've been in classes for over a week now and they're ok I guess. I'm still kind of nervous because I haven't had any tests or anything yet and tests kill me. Although I did have my first speech today, but it was just a minute long thing where you just had to talk about anything. Easy easy.
I'm pretty sure I'm changing my major. I wanted to go into secondary education with a major in math and a minor in music, but they wouldn't let me minor in music, only major. So I picked up some audition papers and I think I'm going to major in vocal education and minor in math. I hate changing my mind every two seconds but I think this might be a good time. Certain people here have really inspired me to go back to my "roots" so to speak.
I've been making a few new friends and seeing some old ones as well. But for the most part I think I'm just socially challenged. Oh well.
I started work today behind the front desk in my residence hall... I'm excited. I basically get paid to sit and do my homework and talk to my friends walking in. haha Not a bad gig. Definately better than McDs.
Oh, and I can kind of walk now. I still can't walk to class due to my 50 lb book bag, but I can walk around the dorms very nicely now and it's quite refreshing.
It's been so freaking hot in here though. It's a little better today since it was cooler out, but I had to sleep in my bikini the other night. Come on fall, get here already.
So... yeah. Woo life. <3
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[13 Sep 2005|01:00am] |
Wow randomness. Going on a four mile excursion for hot dogs and ketchup. Having a midnight picnic on the sand of the volleyball court. Watching The Phantom of the Opera in french and not even realizing it halfway through. Playing bongos in the middle of the night while listening to "Bongo Man". haha
I love eastern.
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[07 Sep 2005|02:41pm] |
Today was my first day of college classes. Wow.
First, I trudged my way to Honors Calc 1. Not a bad class. Nice teacher, seemingly easy material. I have homework already, but I don't have the class again until friday and it's all precalc review type stuff.
Then I went to my political science class. Sidlow is possibly the coolest professor ever haha He is hilarious. I think I'm going to have a really good time in that class.
I discovered the little cafe in Pray-Harold afterwords and got a yummy greek salad for lunch and talked with a couple of people which was fun.
Then came doom.
I went to my spanish 122 class and I pretty much think I'm going to die. The teacher just moved here from Peru and speaks almost entirely in spanish, using way too many words that I don't know. I am so incredibly scared.
But a random nice girl pushed me back to the dorm on my way back, so that was nice.
Now I'm off to an interview for an office assistant job downstairs in about a half hour. I pray to god that I get this job... I need it like mad woah.
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| Phone Roulette |
[05 Sep 2005|10:19pm] |
Attention all bored college freshman who are extremely lame. Cara, Michelle and I have formed a very entertaining, yet stalkerish type game that is closely related to Russian Roulette.
Basically, just dial 7487 (or your respectable first numbers at your college of choice) and then pick the persons last 4 digits. The first person who gets someone to answer gets shot and loses.
It's really fun. We just played it for like an hour. This is a great start to my college career. haha
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[05 Sep 2005|08:06pm] |
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mood |
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Good, but tired. |
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I am so freaking exhausted. Sleeping 4-9 and then crutching around campus isn't really a good idea. I have some pretty buff arms though, people fear my guns. haha
I've been having a pretty alright time overall though, minus being stalked and fun stuff like that.
Oh and for some strange reason star wars type music is blasting through the windows of the community bathroom right now very loudly... I could barely hear myself pee. The music didn't really suit the situation.
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[02 Sep 2005|10:44pm] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
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So I'm finally at college. Weird. Right now I'm just so worn out I almost don't even care. It almost makes me miss the comfort of my home. But I'm sure I'll love it here. It's just kind of lonely before everyone moves in and stuff. And Cara is out right now, but that's ok... I'm not much company right now anyway haha But our room is pretty cool so far, even though we haven't put on the final touches. It's all pink and lime green, like a giant watermelon!
Woo. I hope this will be as fun as I've been hoping.
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